February
25, 2005
I've
always been a fan of the Castlevania games since the beginning,
when that first title dropped itself into a friend's Nintendo
and started kicking our asses. Those damn games have been kicking
our collective asses since the Reagan Era, and after all the
bruises and blisters and mutered swearing, it's still worth the
ride. If
it seems as though Harmony of Dissonance feels a little familiar,
that's no coincidence. The vampire-whipping series has been spinning
its wheels since Symphony of the Night crawled out of everyone's
Playstations. So far, it's been a mutual leeching. The thumb-crippled
kids ask for another course of the same leftovers, and the designers
at Konami are happy to oblige. Hell, it beats a normal job any
day of the week. You
can always get away with this sort of scam by moving the franchises
to newer platforms. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book,
and it very often works. This specific title is the second of
the three to appear on the Gameboy Advance, so it has that advantage
of knowing the territory. Sure looks pretty. Imagine that. Most
everyone agrees that Harmony of Dissonance is an excellent
modern platformer adventure, and a good way to kill a few hours
out of your life. It's not like you were doing anything important,
anyway. As long as the drugs remain illegal, and the Frat Boy
King's fascists take a torch to what was once the United States
of America, you've got to find your distractions somewhere. I
think at this point, I'm supposed to rattle off the usual game
review cliches, which more often read like instruction manuals
and have all the stimulation of the back of a cereal box. Do
you really need me to tell you which button to press to make
the hero throw the whip? Point out all the nooks and crannies
of this year's version of the mansion, which is taken from at
least three other games dating back to Super
Metroid in 1994. I'll
try to be generous, because this really does have its kicks while
it lasts. Those of you who are older Castlevania freaks may be
happy to spot all the references to the other games, going back
to the original Vampire Hunter from the MSX days. Extra credit
to the first one who spots the nods to Gradius and Donkey
Kong,
too. Why
am I holding on to that knowledge? Am I scrounging that hard
to find something new to say about half a dozen different videogames
that are the bastard children of one another? This business is
more imbred than the Bush White House. Go figure. This
is why I got out of the game-review racket in the first place.
Besides, when you go a full day without sleep and start pulling
out cornball catch phrases like "nooks and crannies," it's time
to pack it up and run for the hills. Assuming you can find any
hills left after all the strip-mining and oil-drilling is finished.
Damn, this country's in a bad shape, like a junkie on a red-
and blue-pill binge, and there isn't a medic in sight. Oh, well,
when you're drafted to lose the next war, you'll wish you had
a Gameboy and a copy of Castlevania to keep you company.
Just don't ask me to tell you about it. |
