Starbucks Grab Bag
This week, I share with you some random observations, including my favorite Rejected Coffee Names.

Rating: Super-Cool

Coffee Book o' Doom Ratings

In the tradition of the late, great Next Generation Magazine (which had nothing to do with coffee), I decided to use the five-point scale for the Coffee Book 'o Doom.

* -- Poor
* * -- Average
* * * -- Very Good
* * * * -- Excellent
* * * * * -- Revolutionary

March 17, 2003

I wasted a year of my life working at Starbucks. This ongoing series is my revenge.

Some Thoughts on Coffee

The inherent dilemma with all mild-roast coffees is its almost oppositional nature to the more common (and more popular) dark roasts. "Look at me," says a Light Note Blend. "I'm not as bitter or acidic as that guy over there. I'm mild; he's a jerk." The dark roasts simply retort that they're stronger, more popular, and not "wimpy, like those flavorless milds." It's as though the politics of high school is funneled into the world of beans, and we're being asked to choose sides.

Decaffeinated coffee is like Billy Beer, or fat-free rice cakes, or celibacy of the priesthood. It just goes against the nature of things. For some reason, I'm told this is not a good thing to tell your customers in a coffeeshop, especially one named Starbucks.

You really have to wonder about retail chains that are named after characters from "Battlestar Galactica."

Rejected Coffee Names

1. 1 - Extra Crunchy
   2 - Ass (either the mule or the Gluteus Maximus)
   3 - Oops (comes with its own specialty dribble cup)
   4 - Cream of Laxative
   5 - Celebrity Roast
   6 - Why-Can't-You-Get-Off-Your-Lazy-Yuppie-Butt-and-Make-Your-Own-Damn-Coffee-Instead-of-Standing-in-Line-Like-a-Zombie-Blend
   7 - Viagra Surprise
   8 - Passive-Aggressive Blend
   9 - Zen Coffee (just hand them an empty glass)
   10 - Decaffeinated Booty Call

Every Starbucks employee is given something called a "Partner Coffee Passport," a book where Baristas taste the coffees, write down their impressions, and then recite it all back to the customers.

The joke, of course, is that these "impressions" are often quoting the instruction books. Baristas are expected to parrot back what Marketing says.

This approach never sat welI with me, so I wrote down my honest opinions. After all, Starbucks asked for it.

The moral lesson: don't become another faceless corporate drone. And pour your own damn coffee!